“It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.” Theodore Roosevelt
My name is Isaac. I’ve been addicted to pornography for most of my adolescence and adult life. Daily use and masturbation was apart of the daily routine since 12; multiple times a day more often than not. Pornography was a coping mechanism for my stress, anxiety and connection with woman I seeked as a teenager. What most fail to realize is the slow erosion porn addiction has on every aspect of the physical, mental and spiritual health of a man’s life. Mainstream media does not discuss pornography addiction but continues to be a destructive force in the lives of countless men. Do not be ashamed because this is an addiction more men suffer from than you would think as I thought until I stumbled upon the NoFap community. There is help and hope, if you’re reading this you are likely in a dark place in your life but I guarantee one thing… IT DOES GET BETTER. I’m going to uncover the benefits of practicing seminal retention, how it’s improved every aspect of my life and why it will help you.
My Life
I had a relatively normal childhood, growing up in Denver, Colorado between two households due to my parents divorcing when I was 1. My mother is originally from Japan and my father had met her when he was stationed oversees with the Marines. There was always food on the table and a roof over our head but there were times when money was tight. Going to an upper middle class school with all white friends, parents were still together and lived in large houses with backyards compared to our small condo. Aware that I was not similar to my friends, I developed deep-seeded insecurities about being accepted and honest with who I am in addition to adopting the same mindset as my parents.
My first introduction to porn was an accident when I was 8-9 years old. I was staying at my fathers house over the weekend, scrolling through the TV channels at 2 AM when I stumbled upon a late night HBO softcore special that showed a topless woman and a man having sex. We did not have an HBO subscription, the antenna that night picked up HBO that evening and I never saw it happen again. I was deeply intrigued as any boy would, I knew it was taboo but something I wanted to see more of. I began searching the web for pictures, no masturbation at that point but more an intense interested in seeing naked woman. This began to gain in intensity as puberty began, I would veer from pictures of naked woman to hardcore sex videos around 12. This would become a ritual as I only went to my father house every other week but something I deeply looked forward to. This became a daily ritual when I turned 14 and received my first smart phone, which allowed me to have daily access to pornography, this is where the frequency became a serious issue.
I struggled to interact with girls in high school due to my low self esteem and fetishizing woman to a certain extend which I ended up putting woman on an unreachable pedestal and didn’t have a girlfriend until my senior year. Things began to turn around in college, after countless rejections, drunk nights and debauchery every weekend. My confidence continued to increase; I was dating quite a few women and having sex on a regular basis, even with habitual porn use. I didn’t see how I was negatively affected by porn use and my sexual performance normal from what I could tell so I continued to participate in *PMO until I was 25, this is when I began to notice things were not quite right.
*PMO (Porn Masturbation Organism)
Relationship Issues, Depression and Discovering NoFap
I continued to go on dates and chase hook casual up’s with relative success but there were some troubling signs that began to appear but I continued to brush those aside. I started experiencing mild erectile disfunction on multiple occasion’s, I was still able to get an erection most cases but it was weak and resulted in terrible sex where we were both left unsatisfied and confused. In the midst of these issues, I happened to work with a girl that caught my interest and we began dating amidst the psychological and emotional turmoil I was experiencing as a result of bad experiences related to ED.. Our relationship progressed but I continued to abstain from sex due to anxiety. There were several occasions where things physically progressed but when it came time to perform… nothing. I couldn’t get hard. Every instance this happened and there were several, we would both experience be an emotional rollercoaster of anxiety, shame and terror and I couldn’t explain why it was happening. This relationship only lasted 4 months, she broke up with me and even though I was heartbroken.
There was a side of me that was relieved because I would not have to be humiliated or feel defeated due to my inability to perform. This ultimately contributed my issues and shortcoming to the relationship and my ex-girlfriend, thinking I could go back to my old ways of chasing flings and performing like I could back in college. I was in for a rude awaking that would change my life.
Parlaying into another relationship 2 months after breaking up with my ex and continuing to PMO on a daily basis to cope with a breakup and mounting stress from work. I went to high-school with this woman, always had a crush on her so I decided to slide into her DM’s and ask her out on a date. We immediately hit it off and connected on a deeper level than the physical, she was someone I could see myself proposing to and having children with one day and the feeling was mutual. I still had a lingering problem with performance anxiety and ED, I wanted to recluse into my bedroom and not discuss what I was going through but she pried and tried to get me to open up. We began to talk about past relationships and my recent issues with *PIED, she was very open and understanding of what I was going through and did not pressure me into sex at all. It was the first time I’ve been able to discuss my struggles with porn and PIED openly without judgement.. After a couple of months of no physical intimacy though, I knew she was questioning the validity of a long-term relationship with me due to ongoing PIED that was no being resolved. I decided to end the relationship because I cared for her and wanted to break things off amicably rather than drag it out until we grow bitter towards each other.. This was the hardest decision of my life, knowing she was likely the woman I would marry if we continued. I knew I had deep unresolved issues I needed to work on before I could be a partner to anyone else. The perfect girl can show up in your life but if you are not ready to love yourself and treat you with the upmost respect, you cannot love and commit to your partner fully.
*PIED: Porn Induced Erectile Disfunction
We broke up a month into the COVID lockdown. Not being able to see friends and family coupled with a hardest breakup of my life around my birthday sent me into the deepest depression I’ve experienced. I wouldn’t say I was ever suicidal but there were weekends I would barely leave bed, sleeping in, eating junk food and PMO all day. I couldn’t continue on like that anymore, so I googled porn addiction and ED to discover there were men going through the exact same issues I was experiencing and most importantly overcoming these issues.
New Life and Purpose
I began to read blog post on NoFap Reddit, Your Brain on Porn and various videos on Youtube (highly recommend you check out those resources) and found a large community of men struggling with porn addiction who’ve documented their experience, struggles and recovery through NoFap. Everyone on these forums are completely open and supportive of one another. I felt trapped, isolated because I was too embarrassed to discuss my struggles with former partners, family and friends and contributed to my daily PMO rut. With this blog, I want to help other men, assist in their road to recovery and create a community of love, support and accountability. The journey is never over, I will always be a porn addict and the urge never subsides completely but through practicing seminal retention, this exercise in self mastery permeates others aspects of your life that compound into living at your highest potential. I look forward to what the future holds for all of us………